anna and i are breaking up. i think we kinda did without saying it the last night we were together, but...we need to sit down here and make it official. it's nobody's fault. i mean, anna's gay. i'm...whatever i am. i love kissing anna. but i loved kissing trevor the other day. i haven't noticed a girl like i did anna. will i again? i don't know. what i do know is that anna wants to have a serious physical relationship with her girlfriend. she wants sex. she and i tried...and i was so freaked out, i almost ran out of her room naked. i don't regret what she and i did. i don't: i loved her, and...when you love someone, you like making them happy. but i just can't make her happy like she NEEDS. like she deserves. not when i was so, you know, hesitant. coming out, i mean, that was so courageous of her. she deserves a girlfriend that can give her everything that she wants.

i can't do that.

but what do i want? i dunno. my art, for starters. my friends, my family.

and maybe making out with trevor again. maybe: definitely. i dunno. we'll just go from there.

my therapy sessions ended last week, and i feel so much better about myself. i really do, like i am CLAUDIA again (yes, claudia, not caludia or whatever i did on that last final. oops. lord do i love computers and spell check!). y parents have always understood that my art is more than just a hobby, and my talent is more than just "above average," but now i think they really support it. and i can't say enough about peaches: after mimi died, i just felt like there was this big void in my life of someone who just understood me, you know? someone who was my champion. janine loves me and supports me, but she doesn't GET me. my parents, same thing, though not on the same level that sisters can be. but peaches...she said that when she was my age, she rebelled so hard, she thought she could knock the world off of its axis because she felt so lost with all of the expectations of what a "good" japanese girl should be. she wasn't that.

and neither am i. and the thing is? even though we're not "traditional, good" japanese girls? we're one girl revolutions...and that's not just good, it's awesome.

the more that i feel like i'm me again, the more i wonder about anna. she told me that she loved me, two weeks ago, and i have said the lamest shit back. "thank you." "you're so sweet." lord could i be more pathetic? it's not that i don't care about her, i do. and she's so beautiful and i love being close to her, but...i don't know if i want to take that next step. i don't think i LOVE her. is that horrible? anna really REALLY REALLY wants to have sex--and i had to look up on the INTERNET what she meant by that, and it kinda freaked me out, just a little. we've done...stuff, stuff that even six months ago, i would have screamed a horrifed NO WAY! over, but i don't think i can go that far. i really like anna. i don't know if i'm gay. i don't think i am? i don't know. i don't know! and i don't know if, at fifteen, i want to make my mind up or do something that serious. it's something you can't undo. i've gotten so heavy with anna that i've let a LOT of my friendships drift too much: the bsc members, my school friends? hell, do i have many school friends? all i did after school this spring was art and anna. when you go too far...you can't go back.

now that i'm ready to be me again, fully 100% me...maybe it's time for some changes--just so that i can go back to normal.

I kissed a girl (yeah, like the song).

Well I mean really she kissed me but I didn't stop her and I kissed her back and...

I kissed a girl.

And it felt... amazing. But... a girl! Anna!

What the fuck? And she sent me a flower and I haven't given her anything except sob hysterically, feed her chocolate and make out with her.

Oh jesus...

Thanksgiving has got to be one of the best Holiday's ever. I mean, when else will my mother willingly make pie? And They're putting Christmas candy out at the stores already, it's so exciting!

I tried to convince Janine to come shopping with me on Friday morning, but she refused. I wish more people in town were like her - I thought this woman was going to kill me when I grabbed the last top that was 50% off. Luckily, Stacey saved me. Who knew shopping bags could double as weapons?